TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, positive, let's have another put where American Males can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give Anyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated Trump Tower Damascus intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting consideration from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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